Domestic violence

When domestic violence has entered a family, all parties require intervention, support and assistance in choosing a different, more preferred way of being.

Source: Chevrah News

March 2004

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

In order to recognize domestic violence, understand it, prevent it and overcome it the following questions will be explored:

Q How does one recognize domestic violence?

Q What impact does it have?

Q Why does it happen?

Q What can be done?

Q HOW DOES ONE RECOGNIZE DOMESTICVIOLENCE?

Domestic violence is a repeated pattern of behaviour an abuser uses to gain power and control over the victim through physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, and/or financial abuse. It is ongoing and usually escalates. Domestic violence occurs in familial and/or intimate relationships in which people are living separately or in the same household, and between people in current or previous relationships. 95% of the victims are women. Domestic violence is perpetrated regardless of age, income, education, religion, sexual orientation, culture or race. When domestic violence enters a family, it may take a number of forms, namely: physical abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse and emotional abuse.

Physical abuse involves the use of physical force to enforce an unequal power relationship. Some of the more obvious examples include: hitting, pushing, shoving and kicking. However, physical abuse also includes more subtle forms of control such as the refusal to help your partner when s/he is sick or injured, driving recklessly and putting your partner’s life in danger and locking him/her out of the house.

If knowledge is power, the partner holding the knowledge is more powerful and may use that power to maintain control. Financial/resource abuse creates a scenario where one partner has access to information that the other partner does not. This type of abuse includes the control of money or bank accounts, withholding financial information and child support. It also includes taking or breaking of the telephone or motor vehicle, destroying property and taking your partner’s keys or purse/wallet.

Sexual abuse involves one partner pressurising the other partner to perform unwanted sexual acts. It also includes rape, incest and forcing your partner to view pornographic material. Sexual abuse may also take a more covert form such as making demeaning sexual remarks, or being called fat, ugly or ‘no good in bed’.

Emotional abuse is the most difficult to define and is the most prevalent kind of abuse that lives in families. It is true that all partners in close relationships become angry at, criticise, and disagree with one another. In the heat of an argument, even happily married couples may insult each other or behave in a way that looks like emotional abuse. However, by emotional abuse, we mean the repeated use of verbal and other non-physical forms of aggression to intimidate, subjugate and control another human being. It is not only mean and cruel behaviour on the surface of the interaction, but behaviour that serves to consolidate power and maintain fear. Emotional abuse is often used in conjunction with physical abuse, and is often strengthened by the threat of physical violence.

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

Answering “yes” to many or most of the following questions may indicate that abuse exists in your relationship:

Does he/she assume the right to control how you live and behave?

Have you given up important activities or people in your life in order to keep him/her happy?

Does he/she devalue your opinion, your feelings and your accomplishments?

Does he/she yell, threaten or withdraw into angry silence when you displease him/her?

Do you ‘walk on eggshells’ rehearsing what you will say so as not to set him/her off?

Does he/she confuse you by switching from charm to rage without warning?

Do you often feel confused, off-balance or inadequate with him/her?

Isextremely jealous and possessive?

Does blame you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship?

The extent of domestic violence in South Africa and elsewhere:

According to the National Survey of Violence Against Women conducted over five years by the Institute for Security Studies (Pretoria, 2002), violence against women is most likely to happen in the home, a supposed safe place for women. In South Africa, one in four women is abused. This extends across the board to women of all religions, cultures, races and economic backgrounds. 30% of violent crimes reported to the South African Police Service involve domestic violence, and approximately 40% of divorce cases at the Family Advocate’s office involve domestic violence.

The seriousness of the problem of domestic violence has, since 1994, been acknowledged at the highest levels of government, evidenced in many speeches, policy statements, strategies and legislation. Violence against women is also the only focus area that has consistently been included in the guidelines and funding frameworks of almost every foreign donor and foundation operating in the sector in South Africa since 1994.

In New York, 42% of murdered women are killed by their intimate partners. 21% of women utilising hospital emergency rooms are battered.

Q WHAT IMPACT DOES IT HAVE?

The impact of domestic violence on the lives it afflicts is pervasive. It poses serious health risks and mental health problems. Other consequences are addictive behaviour and difficulty in finding the strength to help oneself.

The abused person:

The ways in which domestic violence impacts on lives are varied and may change over time. Some of the emotions that a person may experience are being overwhelmed by fear and powerlessness, a sense of numbness and passivity and a sense of being out of control. Many experience nightmares, panic attacks, depression and changes in eating patterns. People often respond to domestic violence with a fear of their partners’ tempers and as a result will often appear to be overly compliant. They may also be seen to be giving frequent apologies for their partner’s behaviour. Domestic violence may also result in economic and emotional dependency and low self-esteem. The abused person often feels guilty for the abuse and takes the blame for violent episodes. Another impact of domestic violence is the sense of isolation experienced and the fear and inability to reach out for assistance and support.

Studies in relation to abused women have noted the role of domestic violence in the development and exacerbation of psychiatric disorders and substance abuse problems. Approximately 18% of women who are living with domestic violence will attempt suicide. The prevalence of post traumatic stress disorder is also high in women who have lived with domestic violence.

Children:

The impact of domestic violence on children merits particular attention as they are exposed to a situation which endangers both their physical and mental health. There is a strong tendency for abusive and abused people to have witnessed abuse during their childhood.

Children who witness domestic violence are likely to be confused and frightened by what they experience. Domestic violence has the ability to impact on a child’s school performance, social life, body image and self-esteem. They may hide the truth from teachers and friends, but often exhibit disturbed behaviour. They usually need professional intervention.

Q WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?

Nothing justifies abuse – by anyone

People who find themselves described by themselves or others as abusive rarely would choose this. Most so-called abusers are startled when this label is applied to them. In truth they would prefer to be otherwise, and may have adopted a way of behaving that they deeply regret. They may be unaware that their actions are unacceptable.

Whatever the cause, abusers are not born - they become abusive due to a host of factors. If they can reduce their feelings of shame, shock or disbelief, they CAN be helped to overcome their behaviour. They have to want to change, and it is rare that the abused person can change this behaviour for them.

In trying to understand what leads to abusive behaviour there are several explanations:

  • Traditional roles of men in relation to women may facilitate abusive relationships. Men have learned patriarchy, male domination, to be owners and competitors. Men teach each other to be specialists in disconnection, not to show their feelings. There is a climate that allows men to batter women in the privacy of their own homes. It is not always seen as illegal. Some groups “allow” abuse to occur.
  • Men are faced with a multitude of challenges and demands in everyday life. A great deal is expected of them in terms of coping with their work lives and simultaneously meeting relationship needs within their families. Economic hardship sometimes adds to what can be experienced as insurmountable demands. Aggressive behaviour may seem an appropriate choice to cope with these stresses.
  • They may have been childhood witnesses or victims of abuse. It appears that some 60% of people who abuse others have been childhood witnesses to abuse. This raises further concern regarding the impact of domestic violence on children.
  • Communication difficulties are common, particularly the lack of anger management skills, poor interpersonal communication skills, assertiveness problems, poor problem solving skills, rigid thinking regarding gender roles, and a world of ‘must’ instead of ‘should’.

Personality difficulties, such as dependence, possessiveness, jealousy, low self-esteem and an extreme need for power and control.

Q WHAT CAN BE DONE?

If this is the scenario, who needs a helping hand?

The answer is that when domestic violence has entered a family, all parties require intervention, support and assistance in choosing a different, more preferred way of being. Attempts to fight the problem of domestic violence need to focus on men and women collaborating against the problem.